Sunday, October 4, 2009

Jesus Hates the Cowboys

America's Team: 10
Jesus' Team: 17

The Dallas Cowboys

Sunday, Week I, Antipathy Time
It’s a Sunday in October and everywhere in the United States holy people are bailing out of church after communion so they can get home in time for football. Many will be praying for the Dallas Cowboys, the self-proclaimed “America’s Team.” I hope they lose. In fact, I hope that a random meteorite catches the Earth’s gravitational pull and slams deep into the heart of Texas destroying the state’s latest excess: the Cowboys’ new $1.3 billion stadium.
I hate the Dallas Cowboys! Everything about them disgusts me. Even when I was a kid, I recognized that there was something malignantly wrong with the Cowboys. They way they proselytized the rest of the country: “We’re your team. You love us. We share Thanksgiving with you! Our cheerleaders are what beautiful American women should be.”
The plastic, deified Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders personify the worst of the fan-whores that have sold out to the Gospel According to the Cowboys. Yes, you, the fans! Do you really think your Jesus cares whether Tony Romo throws that last second touchdown pass to squeak your way into the playoffs? Do you really think that your Virgin Mary approves of the not-so-subtle subliminal messages your top-heavy bulimic cheerleaders are giving to young girls and boys? Even when I was a kid, the low angle cuts before commercial breaks to catch more leg and the high angle zooms rushing past the pompoms right over that enhanced cleavage stirred my unconscious feminist tendencies and made me think, “If that was my mom, I’d step in front of the team bus.”
And it’s not just the cheerleaders and the fans, it the owner, Jerry Jones. The way he lords over the proletariat from his pope-like balcony! How come when Dallas plays the owner is shown repeatedly throughout the game, especially when it’s close, as if we’re supposed to care about the plight of some straight white billionaire who just corralled a city into spending 1.3 billion dollars on a stadium that was built right next door to an already built stadium that was only a few decades old?
At 26.9%, Texas has the highest percentage of uninsured residents in the nation. They don’t want to spend money on people’s healthcare, but they’ll spend it on a fucking 900,000 square foot stadium that they air conditioned on a day when it was over 80 degrees outside and then opened up the stadium before game time letting out all that cold air. What could be more “American” than that? Thank you Dallas Cowboys for sucking money from sick and dying children and for furthering the global warming cause by building a giant refrigerator that you leave open for five hours every home game. Didn’t your mama ever scold you for leaving open the fridge? Who raised you? Aren’t you thinking about your children? You’ve left them this fantastic new stadium? So what? So they can knock it down in ten years and build a new one in order to keep up with the 2.5 billion dollar stadium that Houston will build?
I hate the Dallas Cowboys! America’s Team. What part of America? Just the United States? Or do you include all of North America, Central and South America in there, too? Are you really the team of the 450,000 dirt-poor residents living in the colonias along your southern borders? Are you really the team of the homeless child living in the favelas of Rio that has to exchange his body for food? Are you the team of the gays who were beaten by your police until skulls were fractured just for being at a gay bar in Fort Worth? America’s Team? I’m confused. Isn’t it your governor that’s been threatening to secede from the Union, so as to escape the legitimately and democratically elected government of the U.S.A.?
Everything’s big in Texas: the stadiums, the egos, the ignorance (BTW, thank you for W.), the hair. As they say in the Lone Star State: “The higher the hair, the closer to Jesus.” So, Cowboy fans and cheerleaders, tease your hair high and keep praying to your Jesus that the money you’ve spent on “America’s Team” will win you that prized Superbowl. And then make good on your threats and secede from the union. We’ll be better off without you, and as far as I’m concerned you can take your sinful stadium, your overrated quarterback, your feudal lord of an owner, and your beach-ball-implanted priestesses with you.

Sunday Reading

A Reading from the Holy Gospel According to Hate.

I am Wrath. I had neither father nor mother. I leapt out of a lion’s mouth when I was scarce an hour old and ever since have run up and down the world with these case of rapiers, wounding myself when I could get none to fight withal. I was born in hell! And look to it, for some of you shall be my father.

The Gospel of Christopher Marlowe, Doctor Faustus