Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Hate Coming Out

     I hate coming out of the closet, first as gay, secondly as an atheist, and now as someone who has repressed anger. I hate how this has cost me relationships with people that I love and cherish, even if we are different.

     But the alternative is not being who I am, and never knowing the joy that comes with being loved for being me.

     I hate that telling the truth about the abuse that I endured and witnessed in the church cost me my career, my faith community, and a decade of my professional life.

     But the alternative was to live a lie and to be a co-conspirator alongside abusive and duplicitous clerics, and that I could not do.

     I hate that, right now, I never want to write another word in my life, because I want so desperately to avoid rejection and to please other people’s expectations of how I should be acceptable, respectable, or holy.

     But the alternative is death. For I tried living a life where I was what everyone else wanted me to be, and the result was a closet of shame, abuse, compartmentalization, depression, and near suicide.

     I’m thankful to be alive.

     I will no longer sacrifice my life for anyone’s god.

--Movie poster from The Stepford Wives (1975)
Something strange is happening in the town of Stepford.
Where the men spend their nights doing something secret.
And every woman acts like every man's dream of the perfect wife.
Where a young woman watches the dream become a nightmare.
And sees the nightmare engulf her best friend.
And realizes that any moment, any second--
her turn is coming.