Sunday, November 22, 2009

Spiritual Direction Canceled Indefinitely

     I have some scary news. 

     Fr. Hate didn't show up for spiritual direction, again.  He called me on Wednesday sounding very depressed and said that he really needed to talk.  Two hours later, I went to meet him for coffee and he didn't show.  Since then he hasn't been returning my calls.

     Today, I went to his rectory after Masses and he wasn't there.  The maid answered and told me that Fr. Hate was no longer in the parish and that Fr. Boundarilessi had been made temporary pastor.  When I asked what happened, she slammed the door in my face.  As I walked back to my car, Fr. Boundarilessi pulled out of the driveway.

     Our conversation:

     Fr. Boundarilessi!  Hold up, please.  Thank you.
     Good day to you, too, Fr. Boundarilessi.
     I'm happy to hear that you found the computer links enlightening.  So, I hear you've been made interim pastor?
     I was supposed to meet Fr. Hate on Wednesday for a meeting and he skipped out.  He hasn't been returning my calls.  Is he okay?
     I realize that you can't tell a simple lay person about what happened to Fr. Hate, but I'm his friend and his spiritual director.  I'm worried.  Please, I need to speak with him.  
     Well, according to Catholic theology, I'm still a priest!  Those are your rules not mine.  But I don't won't to argue theology. I'm here because I care about Fr. Hate.  So...please, just let me know if he's okay.

     At this point, Fr. Boundarilessi called me a depraved sodomite and told me to stay away from Fr. Hate.  He told me that Fr. Hate was in the care of the church, that the situation was an internal issue, and that it was going to stay that way.  Then he told me that he would call the police if I ever returned to the parish.  After saying, "God bless," and throwing his cigarette butt at my feet, he sped off.

     I'm worried sick.  What happened to Fr. Hate?  Do any of you have any hypotheses?  I'd love to hear them.

A New Moon Descends upon the Vatican

    Sound the trumpet!  The men in flowing gowns, who brought you glowing reviews for alcohol-induced, anti-semantic raving and Lefebvrite Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ and its rib-stripping torture-porn of the innocent messiah, have declared judgment on their latest moral punching bag: The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    Catholics tend to ignore comic news stories about the Vatican, but they are becoming worryingly prevalent – and most of them are entirely the Church’s fault. The latest one reveals that Monsignor Franco Perazzolo of the Vatican’s Pontifical Council for Culture has condemned The Twilight Saga: New Moon, part of a teen vampire romantic fantasy series (I kid you not) which was released yesterday.
    As Nick Squires reports, Monsignor Perazzolo said the film was an “an explosive mix” of good-looking young actors involved in supernatural activities. He also reckoned that the film’s occult imagery represented a “moral void more dangerous than any deviant message”.

     Once again, the Vatican equates its own superstition and mythology with that of a Hollywood action film. Nothing undermines the Vatican’s authority more than condemning things so ridiculous as vampire popcorn flicks. Was the Vatican worried that if they didn't condemn The Twilight Saga, that the three books would be added to the biblical canon? (After the apocalyptic pulp rag Revelation, who would notice?)  What, are their gay vampires in the film?  Did Monsignor Perazzolo feel a new moon rising on his horizon when he looked at those shirtless teen werewolf boys?

     Pointing a golden-ringed finger at stupid teen vampire lore, only shows how insecure the Vatican is in its own mythology.  Once again, the Holy See has subjected the masses to its theological penis envy. 

     What about preaching from scriptures in which god orders and commits religious genocide? What about the violent god who used the children of Abraham, Job, and David as pawns in his divine game? What about killing your own innocent son as a sacrifice? What about the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Cathars, etc.?  For more Vatican atrocities, click here.  The Vatican itself is the perpetrator of physical, psychological, and spiritual violence, and for over 5 billion people in the world carries no moral weight.

     New Moon drained the box office record for best midnight premier, and the vampy film's $72.7 million's blood-letting of The Dark Knight's previous record of $67.2 consumed the record for best opening day. Monsignor Perazzolo definitely has the pulse of the people.    

Hypocrisy Poll Results

Cartoon by Michael Ramirez, The Los Angeles Times

You voted.

Which Catholic hypocrisy is most egregious?

•19% Covering up the clergy's perpetration of  sexual abuse against minors

•17% Prohibiting condom use to combat HIV

•12% Pope Ben wearing Prada and living in wealth, while tens of thousands starve to death every day

•12% Closeted clerics opposing LGBT rights

•12% Lobbying to erode the separation of church and state, after spearheading the fight to remove protestant religious teachings from the public schools in the 19th century

•10% Claiming to be for women's rights, but not ordaining women

• 10% Teaching that the true church of Christ “subsists” only in the Catholic church, but getting in bed with Mormons, Baptists, Christian Fundamentalists, conservative Anglicans and Episcopalians, etc. whenever it suits the church’s agenda

•8% Condemning Democratic candidates, while Republican candidates support war, the death penalty, protecting the wealthy, raping the environment, etc.

Cartoon by Brian Fairrington, The Arizona Republic