Friday, November 27, 2009

Selling the Santa Christ

     The season of Advent doesn't officially start until Saturday at dusk, but that hasn't kept our Christian friends from joining in the credit-busting wealth-fest and excuse to stampede and kill your brothers and sisters that is Black Friday.  What peaceful season!

     As usual this holiday season, preachers will decry the erosion of the "reason for the season" and call upon good Christian men to rejoice and put the Christ back in X-mas (ignorant of the fact that the X comes from the Greek letter chi, which is the first letter in the word "christ" in Greek, the language in which most of the New Testament was written).

     But let them decry the heathens they claim have commercialized Christmas.  Let them point fingers.  For their own kind have also given themselves to the coming of the Santa Christ.  None is exempt, for the internet reveals all.

    Two days only at Lifeway Chritian Stores: Biblical Soulutions for Life: CDs, DVDs, bibles, kids' stuff, everything on sale!  Hurry before your time runs out.

     At, move fast for this week's specials: the box office flop The Nativity Story for only $4.99 on DVD (sorry no Blue-Ray), the NIV Study Bible, 2002 Edition with black, bonded leather for a whopping 75% off, The Beginner's Bible: 50% off, and nothing speaks Christmas better than a new Veggie Tales Christmas DVD: Saint Nicholas: a Story of Joyful Giving.  Strange that Veggie Tales is only 33% off and the bibles are 75%  and 50% off.  I guess nothing sells the world of god better than a bunch of singing vegetables, which reminds me, you can also get the book Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God for just $7.49.

     Rush over to Family Christian Stores for the after Thanksgiving 3 day sale event with $5 and 50% off "doorbusters."  Wallet busters is more like it, but don't fret, you're spending for Jesus.  Think of it as a holiday sacrifice, an indulgence in celebration of the incarnation. Spend a little on cutting-edge originally titled CDs like "In the Hands of God" by Newsboys or "Christ is Come" by Big Daddy Weave. Is it just me or are these boy bands kind of hot?

     What if we ... Brandon Heath?

     Welcome to the Masquerade indeed.

     Or click over to Catholic Supply of St. Louis, Inc. and visit their "Extensive Christmas Shoppe" where adding a "pe" to the end of "shop" makes it okay to exploit religion for financial gain.

     If someone you know is addicted to their yearly Precious Moments cute little crack fix, head over to the Religious Goods Center and slap down $35.00 for a one-of-a-kind mass produced and dated figurine.  The celebration of your savior's birth in a simple manger won't be complete without it.

     Or for more Catholic goods, head on over to Abbey Press, the self-proclaimed "web's top source for gifts of faith, family, and friendship!"  Or head to the Catholic Company and get your Christmas cards ordered during Advent, while shopping for Advent books, wreaths, and candleholders.  We don't want those Jews owning the candle market now, do we?  At you can get Advent gifts and supplies for as low as 49 cents!  Try to beat that deal, you Protestants.

     But to get the ultimate Christmas gift for your Catholic friends, drop everything and click over to Vatican Gift, for here you can drop $220 on a rosary and $95 more on a rosary box.  Or go all out and spend $420 on the "The Medal-Cross fo [sic] Saint Benedict - 18 kt Gold and platinum." But don't worry, it's worth it, because Vatican Gift has a direct line to Pope Ben who will bless your purchases "absolutely for free" and they're also throwing in a free 2010 calendar of Pope Ben.  And at Vatican Gift, they go even further by sending "a relevant" contribution to "chidrens [sic] in Africa and in other parts of the world, for their health and instruction."  So, buy now, and you can contribute to children being told by the Catholic church that condoms don't prevent the spread of HIV.  So, give some HIV to an unnamed black kid in Africa!  What could be a better way to spread Christmas joy, hope and salvation?

     So, all ye preachers, decry the commercialization of the season, but don't come crying when your collections go up in the coming weeks and you silently take a little off the top for father's needs.

     After all, we live in Jesusland.