Saturday, January 2, 2010

9th Hate of Christmas: the Miraculous Push-Up Bra

The 9th Hate of Christmas According to Eat Like a Monk:

     I hate the Victoria Secret Miraculous Push-Up bra. Guaranteed to boost the “honeydews” two whole cup sizes, this contraption is the lingerie company’s new offering to bait a man into your bed. In all honesty, this is fine for most women since we don’t want to do more work than necessary to attract the opposite sex. After all, waxing bikini lines, wearing three-inch heels and slathering pore-suffocating makeup is sufficiently arduous. However, this bra is simply deceptive and once you have your man, you can’t let him touch you unless cupping Nerf balls arouses him and if that’s the case...RUN AWAY, RUN FAR AWAY.

     In addition, wearing the bra is not a luxurious experience (please refer to the Nerf ball reference). For the men out there, I will provide the following analogy to illustrate the discomfort. Take a tennis ball, cut it in half and stuff it with copier paper. Then take these paper-stuffed halves and use them to cup either side of your ball-sack. Next, put on your smallest tighty-whitey or Speedo and wrap it all up in the tightest pants you own.

     Finally, I hate this bra so much that I felt obligated to use it to boost my perky 32Bs to an ample D, and, dear god, I looked absolutely amazing in my little black strapless.

     Gentlemen aren’t supposed to grope anyways.


Mrs. Levine said...

"Then take these paper-stuffed halves and use them to cup either side of your ball-sack."

I'm almost rolling on the floor of my cubicle. I'd really love to see a crotch shot of tight jeans consealing a ball sack propped up by tennis balls and copier paper. I'm sure George Michael can sympathize.

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