Thursday, April 29, 2010

Catholic Mark Wahlberg's Priest: "No Brokeback for You"

[he stands, unzips his pants and pulls out his penis] 
I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.
[he rezips his pants]

     The 38-year-old reformed bad boy relies on his closest confidante and longtime religious mentor, the Rev. James Flavin, to help him pick and choose his parts. 'Mark is a practicing Catholic, and he never makes a final decision on a starring role until Father Flavin gives his OK,' an insider revealed to The Enquirer. 'Mark says he owes his career to Father Flavin.' ... 'Father Flavin pushes Mark to honor his religious roots,' said the source. 'Even though Mark was offered one of the leads in Brokeback Mountain, he passed because of the gay subject matter, which clashes with Catholic doctrine.
     Because we all know that the Catholic Church and its doctrine are the best role model of morality for Hollywood (maybe Roman Polanski).  And speaking of wood, what did Father Flavin think of Mark's full-frontal role as a drug addicted, porn star in Boogie Nights?  I bet the good father loved this scene (courtesy of IMBD):
Dirk: [as Brock] You still hungry?
Jessie St, Vincent: Starving.
[unzipping his pants]
 Dirk: [as Brock] Then feast on that.

     And cue Father Flavin's Funky Bunch.  

    To see the entire list of Catholic-approved films in the Wahlberg-Flavin canon, click here.  To see his Calvin Klien underwear adds click here.  I bet Father Flavin was all over those.

     Since Walhberg was "creeped out" by Brokeback Mountain, I wonder who he would play in a Sodom and Gommorah film.  No doubt Father Flavin would advise Mark to play the hero, Lot, or better yet, Yahweh, and not one of the evil Sodomites.  No, wait, Saint Mel Gibson would play the Lord.  John Travolta and Kevin Spacey the "angels."  And Tom Cruise the leader of the Sodomites.

     But wait, who is the real bad guy in that Genesis myth anyway?

     Maybe a refresher course courtesy of Betsy's Sunday School Bible Classics written by Betsy Salkind will help.

How did Father Flavin feel about this commercial from virgin Marky Mark's teen days?

Image Credits:
Father Flavin's Clerics by Brockton Police


Anonymous said...

Impossible to believe that a 38 year old man is still guided by his priest. Holy Jesus grow up Mark. Your priest most likely does not have a clue. Did he encourage you to appear in the bloody, murder filled movie The Departed also. I really can't see you in Brokeback Mountain, because you have such a harsh personality in your movies. The gay characters were tender and loving. You are not that good of an actor.

ppfuchs- Peter P. Fuchs said...

Oh, well, it's kind of like getting advice from the neighborhood drag queen. I wouldn't read too much Catholicism into it.

Hey, by the way, has anyone told you Tom that you look like the Miami former Catholic priest Padre Alberto?