Sunday, April 4, 2010

Stop Easter Candy Violence: Peepicide

     This just in: after receiving the Christian-supported death penalty on Good Friday, Jesus is back from the dead. 

     He appeared today in new form to the woman previously known as the prostitute.  After her Lenten fast, all the non-prostitute could do was stand in his presence yearning to obey Jesus last command to eat him.  Thankfully, the non-prostitute utilized her self-control.  However, the pope, hungry and angry that Jesus had returned to spoil his power party, took a bite out of the risen one's cheek

     No longer merely human, Jesus' resurrected body rose in the form of Peeps.  Christians everywhere rejoiced...that is, until their children introduced the risen one to the microwave.

     It's Easter all over the Christian world and children are rejoicing in their chocolate bunnies, peanut butter eggs, and marshmallow Peeps.  Having just been exposed to the way their savior was tortured, mutilated, and murdered on Good Friday, and hyped up on sugar, these little Christians are utilizing what they learned in church to torture their defenseless Easter candy.

     Check out what they've done to these chocolate bunnies:
     And that's just the beginning.  Those bunnies should be thankful, for their stale cousins that survive the initial barrage will face a much more explosive fate come the 4th of July.

     In every Easter basket there is a candy that takes the brunt of the Christian child's violent and crucifixion-informed imagination.  These are the Peeps.

     Even though the savior returned as a mosaic of the pastel colored chicks and even though the defenseless chicks represent new life in the risen Jesus, every Eastertide, little Christians and their loving fathers rush to the microwave to torture the helpless little Peeps

     Here is a heterosexual Peeps couple basking innocently in the early morning Easter sunlight.  Freshly hatched from their Siamese quintuplet birth, Ms. Pink and Mr. Purple quickly fell in love and shacked up.
     But an unnamed Christian boy had other plans and rushed the unmarried Peeps to the microwave.  As they bloated under the heat, the loving Peeps made a desperate attempt to consummate their love.
     They failed. 
     Here is the horrible result of this act of Peepicide.  Peepicide is the most common form of religious violence committed against defenseless Easter candy.  Sadly, Pinky and Purple Peeps are just two of the incalculable number of Peeps that will be sacrificed in the name of the risen Jesus on this day.
     Meet Ms. Pynk and Ms. Pinc, a lesbian Peeps couple that were featured in an article about homosexual animals in the New York Times this weekend.  A fundamentalist Christian boy snatched them up off the shelves of West Peepywood and in the name of his gay-hating god forced the loving couple to joust
     Yes, forcing Peeps to joust is the most depraved, perverted, and common form violence perpetrated against Easter candy.  It is also the most profitable, bringing in a combined 500,000 hits on Youtube every Easter.

     Unable to fly away, Ms. Pynk and Ms. Pinc were forced to stare into the brown eyes of their lover as they bloated up, burning from the inside, and punctured the other in a forced murder-suicide.
     Please, demand an end to the violence against Peeps and other Easter Candy.  In the comments below, share your experience of how the mythical resurrection of a crucified preacher is used to inspire violence against Easter candy. 

     All comments will be forwarded to the People for the Ethical Consumption of Easter Candy.  The folks at PECOEC (pronounced "peacock") are working hard to be sure that Christians everywhere do only what their risen-Peeps savior demanded: "eat me."


FDeF said...

Peeps have way too much drama in their short little lives. Is there a Jesus in chocolate, preferably Godiva or Ghirardelli?

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