Wednesday, March 3, 2010

First Friday Devotion: Get Sauced with Jesus

Do you see what the owners of a Scranton pizzeria see in this frozen bucket of sauce?
     It was a slow news day on the first Friday of Lent in Scranton, PA, so The Times-Tribune decided to clean out the freezer and found this "story."  Jeremy G. Burton reports from Brownie's Pizzeria:
     Ms. Salerno [restaurant owner] was at Brownie's and talking with her granddaughter, 23-year-old Jackie Krouchick, while she made a pizza. Her granddaughter is a single mother who she said is struggling through tough times. Ms. Krouchick told her grandmother she worried she was losing her faith.
     As Ms. Salerno poured tomato sauce from a white plastic bucket, she urged her granddaughter to keep believing. That is when she saw it, the image of a man with long hair and a beard in the leftover sauce.
     Bill Salerno, the owner of Brownie's and brother of Ms. Salerno, said he was skeptical until he saw it for himself. Maryann Marsico, who works at Brownie's, said even an atheist would find it unmistakable.
     "My 2-year-old grandson knows who it was. ... He just looked at it and said, 'That's Papa Jesus,' " Ms. Marsico said. 
     Really, Maryann, "even an atheist"?  Speak for yourself, girlfriend.  Here's my version of the story:
     Miss Coco Peru was speaking to Heretic Tom, a thirty-something and free thinking gay-boy, while she stirred up a special brownie mix to bake for the fearful Mormons and Catholics who funded Prop 8.  Heretic Tom is living in gay-sin, unable to be married in California, and Miss Peru said Tom is going through tough times.  Heretic Tom told Miss Peru that he worried he was losing the Gay.
     As Miss Peru poured the opaque mix from a white Tupperware bucket, she urged her son to keep the Gay.  That is when she saw it: the image of Glenn from the Village People with his handlebar mustache and bare chest in the leftover brownie mix. 
     RuPaul, brownie recipe owner and sister of Peru, said she was skeptical until she saw it for herself.   Kevin Spacey, who eats brownies, said even a Baptist would find it unmistakable.
     "My twelv...ty-two-year-old twink knows who it was. ... He just looked at it and said, 'That's the original Biker dude from the Village People: Glenn!' " Mr. Spacey said.
 You decide!

     I'm sure that if there was a god and if Jesus was god, that he would have much better things to do than to make his image appear in some frozen pizza sauce, like...I don't know...maybe preventing the earthquake that caused over 800 deaths in Chile.  Why anyone would want to believe in a god that appears in pizza sauce instead is beyond me.

     Maybe this is why:  the lesson learned from Pizza Sauce Jesus as reported by The Times-Tribune:
     It was not lost on Ms. Marsico that Jesus appeared at Brownie's at the start of Lent, a holy Christian time that also happens to spur pizza sales because observers are not supposed to eat meat on Fridays.
     "I will never cheat and eat meat again," she said.
     Not wanting a cryogenic Jesus and after talking to the press and putting a video of Mashed Tomato Jesus on youtube, Brownie's owners had the sacred bucket washed clean, making the way for new sauce in the old sauce bucket.

     Here's to improved pizza sales!  Praise Glenn! 

Why The Founding Fathers Would Never Get Elected Today

     To succeed in U.S. national politics today, one must publicly claim they believe in a god of some sort, preferable the Christian god.  The Christian Right says that our nation was founded a Christian nation, blah, blah, blah, and many claim that free thinkers, atheists, agnostic, secular humanists, brights, post-theists, etc.  They don't know their Framers very well.  In fact, there's no way many of our nation's Founders would be able to get elected today, because of their free thinking, secular humanist thought.

   Here a few quotes from Thomas Jefferson:
     To talk of immaterial existences is to talk of nothings.  To say that the human soul, angels, god, are immaterial, is to say they are nothings, or that there is no god, no angels, no soul.  I cannot reason otherwise...without plunging into the fathomless abyss of dreams and phantasms.  I am satisfied, and sufficiently occupied with the things which are, without tormenting or troubling myself about those which may indeed be, but of which I have no evidence.
    Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched.  Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion.  Question with boldness even the existence of a God [sic]; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
    Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions.  Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity.  It is the mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus.
    This quote is from the United States 1797 Treaty of Tripoli, drafted under George Washington and signed by John Adams:
    As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Musselmen; and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan Nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

     Here are a few Benjamin Franklin quotes:
    I have found Christian dogma unintelligible. Early in life, I absented myself from Christian assemblies.
    Lighthouses are more helpful than churches.