Showing posts with label Pink Bible. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pink Bible. Show all posts

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Priest and the Concubine: A Sunday School Lesson of Traditional Values

     Happy Sunday.  It's time for a Sunday school lesson.

     Today's lesson is care of "Betsy's Sunday School Bible Classics."  This is the divinely inspired and inerrant word of the Judeo-Christian god as revealed in the bible (Judges 19-21).  This is a story of traditional family values upon which the Catholic Church's traditional value of raping children is based.  Enjoy.

     My latest work is about the Old Testament, in which I took eight stories from various books and told them pretty much as they really are in there; my illustrations give voice to the women, the children, and the animals, as well as give commentary on the classic interpretations of the stories. No doubt some will call these irreverent and offensive, but really they are the actual stories, and they do beg for explanation. Of course my versions are funny as well. Five of them have been adapted to video and are on YouTube, and two of the stories are in the book Betsy's Sunday School Bible Classics, available on
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Image Credit:

Friday, March 26, 2010

Morality Is a Choice, Not a Church

     When people ask free thinking atheists, agnostics, secularists, etc. "How can you be moral without god?"  There are many simple answers to the question.  Embedded below is just one: "Morality is a choice, not a church."

     The video's a bit over the top, in terms of the music, but makes its point nonetheless.  This is by no means an exhaustive list of the immoral things ordered by god and religious believers in the scriptures.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Is Sarah Palin god's New Isaiah or god Himself?

     Do you remember a month ago, when Sarah Palin got caught using scribble in her palm to get through her teabagging speech, after she ripped President Obama for his "top-down" use of a teleprompter?  It took her a month, but she finally has a comeback for the big, bad, tricky media, who called her on her hypocrisy.  She was just being a good Christian and only following her god's example. 

     The Washington Post reports:
     At an Ohio Right to Life fundraiser Friday night, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin once again defended the notes she wrote on her hand during last month's Tea Party Convention. She said she didn't have a good answer to media criticism at the time, but now she has one: God did it too.
     A supporter sent her the biblical passage Isaiah 49:16: "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
     "If what was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us," Palin said. "In that passage he says, I wrote your name on the palm of my hand to remember you. And I'm like okay, I'm in good company."
     Do you know what was also good enough for your god, Sister Sarah?  Here are just a few good ole godlike pastimes:
  • Killing Mouthy Children: Leviticus 20:9 states, "Anyone who curses his father or mother shall be put to death."  I'm sure that during Bristol's premarital sexual acting out and resulting pregnancy that she never let you have it.  If she did, you should be a good, god-like believer and kill her. Also, see Exodus 21:15-17.  "But Ht. Tom, we don't believe in that violent Old Testament god, we believe in Jesus."  Well, Sister Sarah, Jesus reaffirmed Moses, twice, in Mk 7:10 and Mt 5:4.  Mary violated god's law for not killing Jesus on the spot over the whole back talking at Cana incident, the "Who are my mother and my brothers?" bit, and even at the temple as a child.  Mouthy at twelve, mouthy at thirty!
  • Killing Slutty Daughters: Deuteronomy 22:20 prescribes that if a girl is not a virgin when she's married, you shall stone her to death.  So, Saint Sarah, even if Bristol didn't mouth back, you still need to take her out back and put her out of her sinful misery.
  • Kill Yourself for Campaigning on Saturdays: Exodus 31:14-15 and 35:2-3 state that if you work on the Sabbath (Friday nights after dusk through Saturday) you must be killed.
  • Kill Everybody in Town that Practice a Religion Other than Your Own: Deuteronomy 13:12-15.  No wonder people of other faiths are suspicious of our troops occupying their nations.
  • Treatment of Noncombatants: Numbers 31:13-18 says to kill all the women and boys, but as for "all the young girls who have not known man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."  Keep the virgins for yourselves?  How clerical of them!
  • The list goes on and on.  Just read your bible.
     Is this the kind of god we want ruling our government?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Prayer Defining Moments

PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce, 1911

     The Christmas season prayer of Republican Senator Tom Coburn:
    Going into Monday morning's crucial Senate vote on health-care legislation, Republican chances for defeating the bill had come down to a last, macabre hope. They needed one Democratic senator to die -- or at least become incapacitated.
    At 4 p.m. Sunday afternoon -- nine hours before the 1 a.m. vote that would effectively clinch the legislation's passage -- Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) went to the Senate floor to propose a prayer. "What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can't make the vote tonight," he said. "That's what they ought to pray."
    It was difficult to escape the conclusion that Coburn was referring to the 92-year-old, wheelchair-bound Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W.V.) who has been in and out of hospitals and lay at home ailing. It would not be easy for Byrd to get out of bed in the wee hours with deep snow on the ground and ice on the roads -- but without his vote, Democrats wouldn't have the 60 they needed.
     The prayer of Conservative Christian Republicans:

      Psalm 109:8 states "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."  That's mild compared to what the holy bible says in verses 9-15.
 9 May his children be fatherless
       and his wife a widow.
 10 May his children be wandering beggars;
       may they be driven from their ruined homes.
 11 May a creditor seize all he has;
       may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
 12 May no one extend kindness to him
       or take pity on his fatherless children.
 13 May his descendants be cut off,
       their names blotted out from the next generation.
 14 May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD;
       may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
 15 May their sins always remain before the LORD,
       that he may cut off the memory of them from the earth.
      Prayer of thanks to god for AIDS and 9/11 and for killing gays and those who support them.  To argue over whether AIDS is god's judgment on gays click here, apparently Pat Robertson called and it's still up for discussion.

      School children were indiscriminately crushed to death in their classrooms during the Haitian earthquake, but one girl (16) pulled from the rubble after fifteen days without a broken bone is a miracle attributed to a loving god.

     Disaster and death of 230,000 = not god's will (although some claim it is).

     Random survivors escape the rubble = god's divine intervention; answered prayers.
(Photograph taken by Reuters/Eduardo Munoz)

     According to the blog, Republican Faith Chat, don't even think about praying for the Haitians and don't give them money, because that's against god's will.

     But be sure you are praying for Americans to win in the Olympics or for your team to win whatever football, basketball, etc. game you've bet on, because god listens to those prayers.
I guess these Christian Colts didn't pray hard enough, to beat the Saint of New Orleans, where sinners and homosexuals flash their private parts in the streets for beads and screw in the allies.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Traditional Wedding Bells Are Ringing

     All across our great Christian white Protestant nation, where all people, women and (straight, white, upper class, Christian) men  are created equal, a new breed of protest has been born.  We homos are tired of being put down and told that our lifelong, committed and loving relationships aren't worthy of civil marriage and its legal protections, because some stranger's god said we couldn't.  

     The simple legal truth is that civil marriage is not sacramental, religious, holy, biblical, or whatever the Christian Right's catch-phrase of the day is.  

     In order to show how ridiculous the religious claims of  biblically based civil marriage are, some angry same sex couples are taking to the marriage offices with their partners.  When denied a god-given civil marriage license because of their common genitalia, these rejected and equal American citizens are marrying complete strangers in protest.  COMPLETE STRANGERS!  Anyone in the crowd will do, as long as he/she has the proper biblically-based plumbing.

     On Wednesday, Pink BFLO reported:
   In an act of civil-sorta-disobedience, local LGBT activist Kitty Lambert received a marriage license to a stranger named Ed at Buffalo’s City Hall today, after being denied a license to marry her same-sex partner.
     It did not matter that Kitty and her female partner love each other, share property, have five children and twelve grandchildren, have lived together for years in a committed relationship, and may even share the same religious beliefs (the question of which never came up during the biblically sanctioned civil process).  What mattered is that Ed, a complete stranger, had $40 dollars and a penis.  With that, the two strangers, male and female, could get their biblically based marriage license, because that's god's will.

     Watch the video here:

     Far to the South in sunny Florida, traditional wedding bells are ringing! 

     At 3PM local time today, acclaimed performance artist Brian Feldman will marry a complete stranger with biblical boobs and a virginal vagina.  Who are we kidding?  One no longer needs to be a virgin to get married, though the stoning-crazed bible tells us so.  Watch the video below to see how the future Mrs. Brian Feldman was chosen from among three unknown vaginas before applying for the biblically based marriage license earlier this week.

     Is this entire project a mockery of marriage? Not at all! It’s completely within the legal rights of Brian and any other heterosexual couple with $123.50 (plus $6 for a standard marriage certificate). Sound absurd? Not nearly absurd as denying the equal right to marry for same-sex couples who truly care about each other; who’ve been in committed, productive and, most importantly, loving relationships for upwards of 20+ years. That, to Brian, and millions of Americans who believe in lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality, is truly absurd - to say nothing of a civil injustice.
    According to Brian's website:
     In lieu of wedding gifts, Brian asks that you please make a donation to Equality Florida, a statewide education and advocacy organization dedicated to eliminating discrimination based on sexual orientation, race, gender and class.
    Here's the video of how Brian selected his biblically based fiance from a group of three vagina-bearing strangers.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The 13th Day

     Have you ever noticed that in the United States there aren't 13th floors in most buildings and 13th Streets or Avenues in many cities.  Our airplanes lack a 13th row and our airports a Gate 13.  Our hotels, apartment buildings, and hospitals lack room #13.  It's as if we were taught to count ...10, 11, 12, 14, 15...

     We think of ourselves as an evolved society.  We look down upon the "antiquated" myths and "unsophisticated" morals of the Greeks, Romans, and Mesopotamians, as if our own religious stories and beliefs didn't rip off much of their pagan stories and superstitions.

     We tell ourselves that the ancients are unsophisticated, but it is our presumptuously named "old" testament god that not only says nothing about forbidding slavery, rape, genocide, and child abuse, but actually encourages and orders these atrocities.

     We tell ourselves that the old testament is antiquated, but our "new" testament plagiarizes much of the old making sure to "fulfill" its "prophesies."  The Father (Abraham) sacrifices his Son (Isaac) for the expiation of others' sins.  A great prophet, teacher, and leader named Jesus (Moses) leads his illiterate followers through the desert to the promised land of eternal life (Canaan).  These illiterate disciples unable to write down what actually happened, leave the story to be told orally until later generations write it down (and this is the unblemished truth?).  The greatest "moral" sermons occur on only mountains.  Barren women and virgins can have babies.  Prophets can fly off into the sky, whether by flaming chariot or ascension.   People quite often come back from the dead,and wander around outside of their graves with apparently no care or attention to the details of what became of them.

     If we're not like the ancients, then why are fundamentalists and historical-critical exegetes obsessed with deciphering ancient words for any sort of meaning they can force onto anachronistic situations beyond the imagination of the scriptures' unknown authors and plagiarists? 

     Romulus and Remus were born of a god and a virgin. Romulus slew his brother Remus, in a dispute over which son the gods favored more.  The Sumerian gods destroyed the world by flood, but spared Ziusudra whom they instructed to build an arc (and this is just one of numerous ancient religions' flood epics).  Referred to as "the light of the world," Mithras (of Persian mythology) was born of a virgin on December 25th, inspired ritualistic baptism of his believers, veneration of Sunday, and the ritual eating/drinking of bread and wine as his body and blood.  Osiris, Tammuz, Adonis, Balder, Attis, and Dionysus all died were resurrected.   Odysseus was a carpenter, who suffered greatly, had tragically flawed dimwits for companions, and experienced a frightening storm at sea.  The list of ancient myths plagiarized by the Judeo-Christian-Islamic Western religions goes on and on, but to evolved modern believers those other ancient religions are just myths.

     Even so, we've used science to figure out how to erect earthquake-proof edifices but fear the 13th floor.  We've constructed carbon-based fuel-consuming cars but won't drive them down 13th Street.   Our heaviest flying machines can defy gravity and return to the ground safely, but we refuse to park them at Gate 13.  We've been counting without thirteens for so long that any other way is heresy according to the Gospel of Triskaidekaphobia.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The 12th Hate of Christmas: The Song, "Twelve Days of Christmas"

     The 12th Hate of Christmas According to Heretic Doctor de la Música:

     I hate the song “Twelve Days of Christmas. You know, the one that goes:
     On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: a pink faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
     On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me: two gospel songbooks, and a pink faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
     On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me: three deities, two gospel songbooks, and a pink faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
     On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: four contradictory evangelists, three deities, two…
     On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: five golden endless circles symbolizing the eternal love between one man and one woman in the holy bonds of matrimony (one for each of my former wives, and the one I have now is not my wife), four contradictory evangelists…three deities…
     On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: six preachers lying, five golden endless circles…and the Words of Jesus in red.

     On the seventh day of Christmas my true love rested and I didn’t get a damned new thing.
     On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: eight lactating virgins, no new damn thing, six preachers lying…
     On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: nine ladies who wouldn’t dance in fear that their lascivious movement would provoke sinful lust, eight lactating virgins, no new damn thing…in red.
     On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: ten Lords leaping over one another to be the only true Lord of the Universe, nine ladies not dancing, eight lactating…

     On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me: eleven skin-flute players piping (now THERE’S  a gift I can use!!!!), ten Lords leaping over one another, nine ladies, eight lactating – whew, I need a rest
     On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle’s Creed, eleven faithful Apostles, ten commandments, nine fruits of the Spirit, eight beatitudes, seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, six days of creation, the Pentateuch, the Four Gospels, the Three Theological Virtues (faith, hope and love), the Two Testaments, (Old & New), and a pink, faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
I Hate Christmas!

     And thus concludeth the Twelve Hates of Christmas, Christmyths, Christmess (whatever you want to call it) and the celebration of the coming of the Santa Christ.